Picture the Cheers Bar and Cliff
(Mailman) is speaking to Norm . . . .
'Well you see, Norm, it's like this . . . A
herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the
slowest buffalo. And when the herd is
hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones
at the back that are killed first. This
natural selection is good for the herd as a
whole, because the general speed and health
of the whole group keeps improving by the
regular killing of the weakest members. In
much the same way, the human brain can only
operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol
kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks
the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In
this way, regular consumption of beer
eliminates the weaker brain cells, making
the brain a faster and more efficient
machine. And that, Norm, is why you always
feel smarter after a few beers.'
THEGAY FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.
As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the bigscary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you toraise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.'
She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one.'
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you.
Little
Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without
ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the
hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over
to see the baby. Before they left
their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk
with him and explained that the baby had no
ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much
mentioned anything about the baby's missing
ears or even said the word ears, he would
get the smacking of his life when they came
back home. Little Johnnie told his dad he
understood completely.
When
Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a
beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little
Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet
and beautiful little hands, a cute little
nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so
thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20
vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnnie, "coz
he'd be knackered if he needed glasses".
After getting all of Pope
Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, and
He doesn't travel light, the driver notices
that the Pope is still standing on the curb
'Excuse me, Your
Holiness,' says the driver 'Would you please
take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the
Pope, 'they never let me drive at the
Vatican, and I'd really like to drive
today.'
'I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd
lose my job! And what if something should
happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd
never gone to work that morning
'There might be something extra in it for
you,' says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as
the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The
driver quickly regrets his decision when,
after exiting the airport, the Pontiff
floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
'Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!' pleads
the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the
pedal to the metal until
they hear sirens. 'Oh, dear God, I'm gonna
lose my license,' moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the
window as the cop approaches, but the
cop takes one look at him, goes
back to his motorcycle, and gets on the
radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to
the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop
tells him that he's stopped a limo going a
hundred and five.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that - he's
really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, 'All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop.
The Chief then asked, 'Who have you got
there, the Mayor?'
Lesley
and her husband Barry went for
counselling after 37 years of
marriage.
When asked what the problem was,
Lesley went into a passionate,
painful tirade listing every problem
they had ever had in the 37 years
they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect,
lack of intimacy, emptiness,
loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, an entire laundry list of
unmet needs she had endured over the
course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go
on for a sufficient length of time,
the therapist got up, walked around
the desk and, after asking Lesley to
stand, unbuttoned her blouse,
embraced her, put his hands on her
breasts, and kissed her passionately
as her husband Barry watched with a
raised eyebrow.
Lesley shut up, buttoned up her
blouse, and quietly sat down as
though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Barry and
said, 'This is what your wife needs
at least three times a week. Can you
do this?'
Barry thought for a moment and
replied, 'Well, I can drop her off
on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on
Saturdays, I play Football.' .
. . . Can you pick her up !
